Saturday, March 15, 2008
Messy Thrilling Life -Sabrina Ward Harrison
Admitting today
I am a woman who wants to only weigh 123 pounds and sometimes thinks that could be the answer. I am a woman who likes her stomach flat and wants to seem like it doesn't matter all that much. I am a woman who wants to make powerful art of this world. I am a woman who can feel so lonely at the most unexpected times. and sometimes I cant ask directly or tell you how upset I really feel and I hope I'll grow out of it.
Girls seem very leggy in this city. Their legs go on and on. Where did they all come from?
I want to leave a dance. I want to let it rip I want to find new rooms inside myself. I dont want to write myself of as weak. I want to strengthen everything heart muscle.
I am a woman who wants to start fresh and most of the time I feel small when I take my boots off. I am a woman who needs her own role models and doesn't want to be one for anyone else. Maybe one that speaks up for the muted bag of human.
I want to be loved, but not changed to fit them. I want to live louder but not fele like a selfish person for doing so. I want to go crazy
I have always wanted to be brave. I wake up waiting.
crabby annoying bitchy lame pathetic mean snarly needy plain push wornout - parts of me I really don't like when they come out. We can't always be lovely and glowing.
I know I am always trying to come from love, and I don't all the time. I know I can be a pisser and really annoying. I know I can burst into tears at not the best times. I can listen I can give I can try my best. I know I can hurt people without meaning to, I know I can love deeply. I grapple with all this stuff. Don't we all a bit?
I want to leave traces of truth. Traces of what it actually feels like. What can be told true today? I apologize so often for myself. I catch myself carefully constructing my actions to "keep the love steady". The acceptance strong. The understanding in place. I want to give it up. Fall out of line and allow the way it goes.
Going to a bar with a guy can really suck. I hate being checked out by other women. there is supposed to be all this sisterhood but it seems to fly out of the window. It can be so fierce and intense. I try to remember we are all just trying to make our way through. We all get nervous and unsure about our place in all this. But in that bar feel naked and isolated surrounded by a swirling crowd of smiles and spilling alcohol.. and I play along.
I am here to be different to be full-grown and woman, not girl rattled with questions, but a woman ready to make new work and find new answers. I am a woman who puts on her future when she wakes up in his arms and decisions. I am a woman who wants to fall in love with her work the way men do. The way they put it first and me second.
I have to remember that it's okay (and normal + right) to not feel up for it all sometimes to feel let down by life thinking "This is it" what I've been striving for but it doesn't feel like the answer- or deep peace I thought would be there.
I carry with me stories of forgiveness and how much I've tried not to worry. I carry my worry and concern. I carry with me my phone and all the numbers of those I call and those who don't call back.
I carry with me every fresh new start. I don't carry the worry of your departure or your schedule in my mind. I don't carry your number anymore. I carry the desire to go unnoticed and at the same time not be forgotten. I carry the laughter. I carry the dream of you before I knew you and into the days to come. I want to believe there is a bigger plan and I need that is above me for my life, a way that I can trust my decisions and the way it seems to go.
In love I can lose myself along the road. I want to give him my care my time my concern my body but I have given out, lost the bottom of my oat. These women who hold their own- so strong and decisive blow me away. They make plans on Friday+Saturday nights with their girlfriends not concerned in the least for their man for keeping the connection, they go on waltzing forward taking care- strong care of themselves.
I don't want to be ruled by my expectations, wanting magic painless perfect love + romance. Filled with crazy love sick rolling and topping. I want him to fight for me.
Sometimes I just want to slosh around in my art making. Sometimes I want to be dainty and classy (and lovely) for my man. Sometimes I want to never look into the mirror. and give up the show. I wish I was low maintenance and low key. I wish I didn't hurt the kindest people and I wish I knew how to get angry.
He tells me he can do none of it now, none of what we feel we should be able to handle. There is so much that I don't know. and so many questions and I feel that crease in my brow as it sit here in the shade. And I think my best friend, my partner, my first ever, may leave in the flash of an eye- it seems it always could happen, anything can take us away. And with my fears I prepare for this loss in my heart. The heartbreaking loneliness.
I think of my own life for a moment. Where do I start from here? Where do I belong? do I head off? to follow? Time to get some perspective, look at my own life with room around the edges.
I want to give it up. Give up the competition the city thrives on. The standards are so high. What really rests at the top? I don’t like seeing myself in the mirror when I do. I look trashy when I do. I feel better in PJs and socks. Where can I go that is so simple anymore?
There is a terrible sadness I feel, a mourning of a certain sort of dream come true. Giving up on a sort of longing for a calm I thought I could hold and know was true and right and somehow lasting.
Sometimes I don't think I'll be a good mother. I won't be patient and selfless and loose. I worry how overwhelmed I will feel. How tired. I worry I will lose me and what I make. I do know deep down that making another human being is the most creative amazing thing-- but I still worry. But sometimes I feel like I can't be a wife. The fear of losing self, fading away nothing left for anyone else to love or need. How can we take care along the way? Restore, fill up, awaken. I wanna be a good mama.My mom seemed like she handled it so well. I admire the women who handle the balance.
I have done the best I can and I am giving everything I can think of, that I have to give to take my life in my own two hands and not apologize. To make my life matter, to take responsibility for what I do in my life. Take responsibility for speaking up for the ways I take care of my own body, the mistakes and successes. To stand away from the crowd and take the road less traveled.
I want to say I'm sorry for letting you down but I can't say sorry anymore. I can't I just can't. there will be no one left here.
In one life how many times can the heart break? When we do know we have found our true north? WHere do I belong? What happens next? How do I know if this is all wrong? How long will we live this way? What will my children be like? How long will I live? Where will I go?
Admitting today
I am a woman who wants to only weigh 123 pounds and sometimes thinks that could be the answer. I am a woman who likes her stomach flat and wants to seem like it doesn't matter all that much. I am a woman who wants to make powerful art of this world. I am a woman who can feel so lonely at the most unexpected times. and sometimes I cant ask directly or tell you how upset I really feel and I hope I'll grow out of it.
Girls seem very leggy in this city. Their legs go on and on. Where did they all come from?
I want to leave a dance. I want to let it rip I want to find new rooms inside myself. I dont want to write myself of as weak. I want to strengthen everything heart muscle.
I am a woman who wants to start fresh and most of the time I feel small when I take my boots off. I am a woman who needs her own role models and doesn't want to be one for anyone else. Maybe one that speaks up for the muted bag of human.
I want to be loved, but not changed to fit them. I want to live louder but not fele like a selfish person for doing so. I want to go crazy
I have always wanted to be brave. I wake up waiting.
crabby annoying bitchy lame pathetic mean snarly needy plain push wornout - parts of me I really don't like when they come out. We can't always be lovely and glowing.
I know I am always trying to come from love, and I don't all the time. I know I can be a pisser and really annoying. I know I can burst into tears at not the best times. I can listen I can give I can try my best. I know I can hurt people without meaning to, I know I can love deeply. I grapple with all this stuff. Don't we all a bit?
I want to leave traces of truth. Traces of what it actually feels like. What can be told true today? I apologize so often for myself. I catch myself carefully constructing my actions to "keep the love steady". The acceptance strong. The understanding in place. I want to give it up. Fall out of line and allow the way it goes.
Going to a bar with a guy can really suck. I hate being checked out by other women. there is supposed to be all this sisterhood but it seems to fly out of the window. It can be so fierce and intense. I try to remember we are all just trying to make our way through. We all get nervous and unsure about our place in all this. But in that bar feel naked and isolated surrounded by a swirling crowd of smiles and spilling alcohol.. and I play along.
I am here to be different to be full-grown and woman, not girl rattled with questions, but a woman ready to make new work and find new answers. I am a woman who puts on her future when she wakes up in his arms and decisions. I am a woman who wants to fall in love with her work the way men do. The way they put it first and me second.
I have to remember that it's okay (and normal + right) to not feel up for it all sometimes to feel let down by life thinking "This is it" what I've been striving for but it doesn't feel like the answer- or deep peace I thought would be there.
I carry with me stories of forgiveness and how much I've tried not to worry. I carry my worry and concern. I carry with me my phone and all the numbers of those I call and those who don't call back.
I carry with me every fresh new start. I don't carry the worry of your departure or your schedule in my mind. I don't carry your number anymore. I carry the desire to go unnoticed and at the same time not be forgotten. I carry the laughter. I carry the dream of you before I knew you and into the days to come. I want to believe there is a bigger plan and I need that is above me for my life, a way that I can trust my decisions and the way it seems to go.
In love I can lose myself along the road. I want to give him my care my time my concern my body but I have given out, lost the bottom of my oat. These women who hold their own- so strong and decisive blow me away. They make plans on Friday+Saturday nights with their girlfriends not concerned in the least for their man for keeping the connection, they go on waltzing forward taking care- strong care of themselves.
I don't want to be ruled by my expectations, wanting magic painless perfect love + romance. Filled with crazy love sick rolling and topping. I want him to fight for me.
Sometimes I just want to slosh around in my art making. Sometimes I want to be dainty and classy (and lovely) for my man. Sometimes I want to never look into the mirror. and give up the show. I wish I was low maintenance and low key. I wish I didn't hurt the kindest people and I wish I knew how to get angry.
He tells me he can do none of it now, none of what we feel we should be able to handle. There is so much that I don't know. and so many questions and I feel that crease in my brow as it sit here in the shade. And I think my best friend, my partner, my first ever, may leave in the flash of an eye- it seems it always could happen, anything can take us away. And with my fears I prepare for this loss in my heart. The heartbreaking loneliness.
I think of my own life for a moment. Where do I start from here? Where do I belong? do I head off? to follow? Time to get some perspective, look at my own life with room around the edges.
I want to give it up. Give up the competition the city thrives on. The standards are so high. What really rests at the top? I don’t like seeing myself in the mirror when I do. I look trashy when I do. I feel better in PJs and socks. Where can I go that is so simple anymore?
There is a terrible sadness I feel, a mourning of a certain sort of dream come true. Giving up on a sort of longing for a calm I thought I could hold and know was true and right and somehow lasting.
Sometimes I don't think I'll be a good mother. I won't be patient and selfless and loose. I worry how overwhelmed I will feel. How tired. I worry I will lose me and what I make. I do know deep down that making another human being is the most creative amazing thing-- but I still worry. But sometimes I feel like I can't be a wife. The fear of losing self, fading away nothing left for anyone else to love or need. How can we take care along the way? Restore, fill up, awaken. I wanna be a good mama.My mom seemed like she handled it so well. I admire the women who handle the balance.
I have done the best I can and I am giving everything I can think of, that I have to give to take my life in my own two hands and not apologize. To make my life matter, to take responsibility for what I do in my life. Take responsibility for speaking up for the ways I take care of my own body, the mistakes and successes. To stand away from the crowd and take the road less traveled.
I want to say I'm sorry for letting you down but I can't say sorry anymore. I can't I just can't. there will be no one left here.
In one life how many times can the heart break? When we do know we have found our true north? WHere do I belong? What happens next? How do I know if this is all wrong? How long will we live this way? What will my children be like? How long will I live? Where will I go?
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¶ 9:07 AM
