Thursday, March 13, 2008
Spilling Open - Sabrina Ward Harrison
If you're not yourself, who will be? Belong to yourself.
I have been feeling so blank and full of muted tones. I've been stuck in a muck.
Yesterday I got my haircut so short that when I went to school, Christopher said I looked like an english school boy. So that didn't help. My face feels wide and naked.
(...it just looked so good in the magazine.)
I catch myself trying to cover up the parts of myself that I don't accept. It's like a mask. I use my long black skirt to cover my legs that feel thick sometimes. I put make up on that attempts to look like. If I want to be accepted and loved as it is, without the 'extra attachments', why do I keep it up? It bewilders me.
Who do you wear a mask for today? I think masks say "approve me, accept me, love me."
So what am I without the masks? What am I from the inside out?
I had bad acne, I have scars.
I'm not slick at games involving balls, being thrown or kicked towards me.
I feel stumpy in sweat pants (especially ones with pockets)
So much of my growing up has been spent trying to figure out who I am and accept who I am and perhaps even love who I am. Unfortunately I have noticed that I spend a lot of time comparing myself to other young women my age, watching for traits they possess that I feel i lack. It's very exhausting. But i seem to keep comparing and desiring ('needing') more or wanting less. When do I stop and be the SABRINA the way I am? When do I top and believe that I am enough as I am? With all the parts of me that feel 'too small' or 'too lumpy' or 'too quiet'. Too too too too to.
I must ask myself "What am I trying to be that I already am?" If I don't love those parts of me, I think it will be a very sad journey. (and a pathetic waste of time)
If you're not yourself, who will be?
The truth is we all ache. We all have growing pains and wonder if we are okay and enough + loved. The thing is - we are. Really. We are enough without all the things we buy to make us much more than we are or need to be.
I learn and relearn that silence doesn't protect me. An unexpressed life is very painful to myself and those I love. Dont love halfway.
I am learning that loving all the way can ache and sting, but loving halfway doesn't keep me safe. It leaves me with sadness and a hope that could never live outloud.
Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like no one is watching. -Kathy Mattea
"I certainly do not hope to alter the world, perhaps I can put it best by saying I hope to alter my own vision of the world. I want to be more and more myself. as ridiculous as theat may sound." -Henry Miller
My friend Susan always reminds me that the ultimate goal is radical self-acceptance. Get into who you are. This is what inspired me so much about meeting the photographer- Elizabeth Sunday. She said, "I believe in my myself. I believe in my vision, my life, my talent, my art. More than anyone. No one can take that away from me."
I think when I can get to that place of self-acceptance and a sense of calm assurance in who I genuinely am- if I can believe in who I am, what I need, what I deserve, and what I must express. Then I can let go of the struggle of self-acceptance based on their approval of my beauty. Boobs, thighs, and sketchbooks. I will dare to do just what I want to do, be just what I am. and dance whenever I want to.
Loss and letting go of my ache. It can feel so dumb and pointless and so sad and real other times. I feel 1.shaky 2.red 3.worried 4.sore head 5.spinning eyes 6. sick with doubt 7. exhausted
I don't like how afraid my hands are to be empty.
I came home today from school venting very loudly in the car to myself. I feel so 'highly sensitive' and spun out and tired and hopeless and that feels scary! I feel tired of this drama with this boy at school. I want sincerity and I want brave loving I don't want to be making a logo or designing an annual report. I want to make books and take pictures and drink more tea. And lie on more couches and listen to Pablo Neruda poetry and read sark books and go to bed early and kiss more cheeks and play headsup7up when it rains and giggle more and drive less and dream of funny possibilities and brave endings.
A storm hit yesterday. The moon was so bright that it wouldn't let me sleep. The day has felt invisible like time couldn't make itself known. I want to twist away from this loneliness, there seems to be no place for it in this world around me. Where does everybody else put their sadness?
I get so mad at myself for 'caring so deeply' and maintaining all this stuff. and that feels so pathetic. I want to put my thinking in hibernation for a while.
Can't being just as I am be enough for me? I don't like doubting my 'me-ish-ness' because it's ALL i have. And I don't have time to keep searching to be someone else.
I want the wide hugs and the exclamations of delight.
When did I start doubting who I am? My friend Marguerite who is ten just can't comprehend not being herself. That's why she's so vibrantly alive and glorious.
Study to know yourself as you really are. I think we have a hard time making a commitment when we don't know who we are. So who am I? It seems to be easier to think of who I'm not.
I'm not Madonna or Superman.
I've been consumed with all this living up to something to 'be something'. Express something!
We have such a longing to be understood and loved by the other. Why? Can't it be just this now? Without armor and the shield. Just myself. My vulnerability protects me, not tight control. I hope to love with an open hand and a slow trusting stride.
There is a reason and there is a meaning You will know in ti me. But time itself will choose the moment. - Kent Nerburn
So when I just feel the loss and the sadness- I think,
why love if it hurts so much?
I try just a bit to soak in the goodness of feeling so deeply for another, the surrender, the joy, the tangled laughter in also in the pain felt.
Let yourself go.
I don't want to edit my living, my becoming who I am. It's like trying to fit into shoes that aren't mine. I've been feeling blocked and far too alone inside. All this holding back, clutching on.
All the silent thinking "Will he disappear?" "how long will it last?"
Maybe i'm such a romantic, wanting treasured moments.
I believe that loving fearlessly is the bravest thing in this world. It's not loving without fear. It's loving fearlessly, courageously [love truly] to be afraid and leap regardless. There is such power in that. I think that relates to all parts of living your life. I think what you felt unlived and unexpressed in love, hurts the most.
I wish to commit to grow younger, to let go of my fear as I learn about love . To allow all to be felt there is still so much newness and wonder to feel. Bless the not knowing. Telling my truth in love is like exposing the underside of my wings, we see that part only when we fly.
I thought alot today about limitless love. Most of the time I spend worrying about the people in my life who love me conditionally-with limits. Deciding when and how they will love me and how they will edit the love they will show me. The problem lies in how I then edit and limit the love I am showing and giving (for fear of not being loved in return) and that's not how I want to live in love.
OH this is what I need in love. Spinning in the sun and laughing, really really hard. I need desire and "AHHS" and I need to be told brave true words. I need myself. I need my voice. I need a partner who will giggle and cherish me to my bones. I need real, real genuine and I need strength I need loving gestures + lots of drawing on the floor. I need honest dinner time talking. I need to be met halfway I need to feel needed, surrender, feel understood. I need to not be mocked when I am being real. I need true kindness and love that glows brightly.
This weekend has felt so out of control. Lots of fears. Not good at loving. I'm not goodlooking. I'm not good at making stuff happen. I'm not good at articulating how I feel. ..not good at taking care of what I love. And with all these feelings come hopelessness. I feel like I'm drowning in feeling sorry for myself.
I want to stop sucking in, stop holding my breath, stop covering up. Let go. It isn't worth it. I can't think of one good reason to keep up the act of 'being moe than i need' If I can't love myself bare + freckled then 'he' certainly can't love me.
"I'm afraid to show you who I really am because if I show you who I really am, you might not like it - and that's all I've got."
Life is just too short to be so hard on ourselves.
"You are so young, you stand before beginnings. I would like to beg of you, dear friend, as well as I can to have patience with patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms. like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything... you need to live the question, perhaps you will gradually without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer some distant day." -Rainer Maria Rilke
I want to touch on all the sides of love- the hope, and gladness as well as the anxiety + ache. The biggest thing about love that I have discovered is that love is not just one way - there isn't just a point of perfection that makes it "all okay + great from now on". I am discovering that what I am needing to learn in love is gonna keep coming up Oh yes!
This morning I woke up from a very restless sleep with anxiety about replacement and I just exclaimed to myself "Haven't I learnt this yet? Haven't I learnt how to handle the feelings yet?" The answer is: Nope.
I am learning to write and speak of my true feelings for myself. That's how I can let go sooner of love fuller. It's a mixture of speaking up and speaking in. Reaching out and reaching in.
To experience being alive and being brought alive by another- something so beautiful and rare. It reminds me of that Henry Miller line... "I want to become more and more myself as ridiculous as that may sound." In love I become who I must understand.
I find myself comparing alot - thinking "OH I should be more like her," but when I let go of the world all around me and breathe into me as I am- I can love much more truly and completely when I can accept myself, I can accept the ones around me - and still be together enough as we are. and that the real part. all there is.
Why does it matter so much here? So much watching and feeling watched. trying too hard. Sometimes I go to the bathroom to look in the mirror just to make sure I'm still here. Get a grip my mind can take me so far away.
"There will always be more beautiful women- smarter women- more successful women. Always. So you must focus on what you are, not what you aren't.
I hold tightly to frightened hands. I make alot of mistakes. I tell my doubts. I laugh with my worries. I dance with little girls. I am frightened by truth sometimes- but I need it like my own blood.
I think God leaves me alone to let me find my own strength because no one else can give it to me for me. Sometimes it is very lonely- but I know the lonely times teach me the MOST. I must let go in order to let anything in. No one can love me for me. Take a big walk protected in the trees.
Knowing someone else's life is passing away makes me want to show up for living now- not 'then' when things are taken care of and the weather is warm. I have a chance to make a difference NOW. I have a chance to help heal some of my own broken places and hopefully someone elses. We must realize that what we do matters. Our love matters truly (that's why we are here.) Life is too short to be cruel, it is too short to suck-in, hold on, not forgive. We just don't have time.
We are not so different, only our circumstances are.
What I really want to say to myself is: it is alright. These anxious questions and doubts, answers and waiting, this is just as it is. Right now, taking me on my way- don't run. We all suffer. This is what I know to be true. There will be understanding sooner than you thinka nd later than you expected.
love it all. The fear, the excitement, the guilt, the power for chance, the unworthiness, the hurt feelings, the anger, the movement, the whole process, it's known as life. ¶ 12:28 AM
If you're not yourself, who will be? Belong to yourself.
I have been feeling so blank and full of muted tones. I've been stuck in a muck.
Yesterday I got my haircut so short that when I went to school, Christopher said I looked like an english school boy. So that didn't help. My face feels wide and naked.
(...it just looked so good in the magazine.)
I catch myself trying to cover up the parts of myself that I don't accept. It's like a mask. I use my long black skirt to cover my legs that feel thick sometimes. I put make up on that attempts to look like. If I want to be accepted and loved as it is, without the 'extra attachments', why do I keep it up? It bewilders me.
Who do you wear a mask for today? I think masks say "approve me, accept me, love me."
So what am I without the masks? What am I from the inside out?
I had bad acne, I have scars.
I'm not slick at games involving balls, being thrown or kicked towards me.
I feel stumpy in sweat pants (especially ones with pockets)
So much of my growing up has been spent trying to figure out who I am and accept who I am and perhaps even love who I am. Unfortunately I have noticed that I spend a lot of time comparing myself to other young women my age, watching for traits they possess that I feel i lack. It's very exhausting. But i seem to keep comparing and desiring ('needing') more or wanting less. When do I stop and be the SABRINA the way I am? When do I top and believe that I am enough as I am? With all the parts of me that feel 'too small' or 'too lumpy' or 'too quiet'. Too too too too to.
I must ask myself "What am I trying to be that I already am?" If I don't love those parts of me, I think it will be a very sad journey. (and a pathetic waste of time)
If you're not yourself, who will be?
The truth is we all ache. We all have growing pains and wonder if we are okay and enough + loved. The thing is - we are. Really. We are enough without all the things we buy to make us much more than we are or need to be.
I learn and relearn that silence doesn't protect me. An unexpressed life is very painful to myself and those I love. Dont love halfway.
I am learning that loving all the way can ache and sting, but loving halfway doesn't keep me safe. It leaves me with sadness and a hope that could never live outloud.
Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like no one is watching. -Kathy Mattea
"I certainly do not hope to alter the world, perhaps I can put it best by saying I hope to alter my own vision of the world. I want to be more and more myself. as ridiculous as theat may sound." -Henry Miller
My friend Susan always reminds me that the ultimate goal is radical self-acceptance. Get into who you are. This is what inspired me so much about meeting the photographer- Elizabeth Sunday. She said, "I believe in my myself. I believe in my vision, my life, my talent, my art. More than anyone. No one can take that away from me."
I think when I can get to that place of self-acceptance and a sense of calm assurance in who I genuinely am- if I can believe in who I am, what I need, what I deserve, and what I must express. Then I can let go of the struggle of self-acceptance based on their approval of my beauty. Boobs, thighs, and sketchbooks. I will dare to do just what I want to do, be just what I am. and dance whenever I want to.
Loss and letting go of my ache. It can feel so dumb and pointless and so sad and real other times. I feel 1.shaky 2.red 3.worried 4.sore head 5.spinning eyes 6. sick with doubt 7. exhausted
I don't like how afraid my hands are to be empty.
I came home today from school venting very loudly in the car to myself. I feel so 'highly sensitive' and spun out and tired and hopeless and that feels scary! I feel tired of this drama with this boy at school. I want sincerity and I want brave loving I don't want to be making a logo or designing an annual report. I want to make books and take pictures and drink more tea. And lie on more couches and listen to Pablo Neruda poetry and read sark books and go to bed early and kiss more cheeks and play headsup7up when it rains and giggle more and drive less and dream of funny possibilities and brave endings.
A storm hit yesterday. The moon was so bright that it wouldn't let me sleep. The day has felt invisible like time couldn't make itself known. I want to twist away from this loneliness, there seems to be no place for it in this world around me. Where does everybody else put their sadness?
I get so mad at myself for 'caring so deeply' and maintaining all this stuff. and that feels so pathetic. I want to put my thinking in hibernation for a while.
Can't being just as I am be enough for me? I don't like doubting my 'me-ish-ness' because it's ALL i have. And I don't have time to keep searching to be someone else.
I want the wide hugs and the exclamations of delight.
When did I start doubting who I am? My friend Marguerite who is ten just can't comprehend not being herself. That's why she's so vibrantly alive and glorious.
Study to know yourself as you really are. I think we have a hard time making a commitment when we don't know who we are. So who am I? It seems to be easier to think of who I'm not.
I'm not Madonna or Superman.
I've been consumed with all this living up to something to 'be something'. Express something!
We have such a longing to be understood and loved by the other. Why? Can't it be just this now? Without armor and the shield. Just myself. My vulnerability protects me, not tight control. I hope to love with an open hand and a slow trusting stride.
There is a reason and there is a meaning You will know in ti me. But time itself will choose the moment. - Kent Nerburn
So when I just feel the loss and the sadness- I think,
why love if it hurts so much?
I try just a bit to soak in the goodness of feeling so deeply for another, the surrender, the joy, the tangled laughter in also in the pain felt.
Let yourself go.
I don't want to edit my living, my becoming who I am. It's like trying to fit into shoes that aren't mine. I've been feeling blocked and far too alone inside. All this holding back, clutching on.
All the silent thinking "Will he disappear?" "how long will it last?"
Maybe i'm such a romantic, wanting treasured moments.
I believe that loving fearlessly is the bravest thing in this world. It's not loving without fear. It's loving fearlessly, courageously [love truly] to be afraid and leap regardless. There is such power in that. I think that relates to all parts of living your life. I think what you felt unlived and unexpressed in love, hurts the most.
I wish to commit to grow younger, to let go of my fear as I learn about love . To allow all to be felt there is still so much newness and wonder to feel. Bless the not knowing. Telling my truth in love is like exposing the underside of my wings, we see that part only when we fly.
I thought alot today about limitless love. Most of the time I spend worrying about the people in my life who love me conditionally-with limits. Deciding when and how they will love me and how they will edit the love they will show me. The problem lies in how I then edit and limit the love I am showing and giving (for fear of not being loved in return) and that's not how I want to live in love.
OH this is what I need in love. Spinning in the sun and laughing, really really hard. I need desire and "AHHS" and I need to be told brave true words. I need myself. I need my voice. I need a partner who will giggle and cherish me to my bones. I need real, real genuine and I need strength I need loving gestures + lots of drawing on the floor. I need honest dinner time talking. I need to be met halfway I need to feel needed, surrender, feel understood. I need to not be mocked when I am being real. I need true kindness and love that glows brightly.
This weekend has felt so out of control. Lots of fears. Not good at loving. I'm not goodlooking. I'm not good at making stuff happen. I'm not good at articulating how I feel. ..not good at taking care of what I love. And with all these feelings come hopelessness. I feel like I'm drowning in feeling sorry for myself.
I want to stop sucking in, stop holding my breath, stop covering up. Let go. It isn't worth it. I can't think of one good reason to keep up the act of 'being moe than i need' If I can't love myself bare + freckled then 'he' certainly can't love me.
"I'm afraid to show you who I really am because if I show you who I really am, you might not like it - and that's all I've got."
Life is just too short to be so hard on ourselves.
"You are so young, you stand before beginnings. I would like to beg of you, dear friend, as well as I can to have patience with patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms. like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything... you need to live the question, perhaps you will gradually without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer some distant day." -Rainer Maria Rilke
I want to touch on all the sides of love- the hope, and gladness as well as the anxiety + ache. The biggest thing about love that I have discovered is that love is not just one way - there isn't just a point of perfection that makes it "all okay + great from now on". I am discovering that what I am needing to learn in love is gonna keep coming up Oh yes!
This morning I woke up from a very restless sleep with anxiety about replacement and I just exclaimed to myself "Haven't I learnt this yet? Haven't I learnt how to handle the feelings yet?" The answer is: Nope.
I am learning to write and speak of my true feelings for myself. That's how I can let go sooner of love fuller. It's a mixture of speaking up and speaking in. Reaching out and reaching in.
To experience being alive and being brought alive by another- something so beautiful and rare. It reminds me of that Henry Miller line... "I want to become more and more myself as ridiculous as that may sound." In love I become who I must understand.
I find myself comparing alot - thinking "OH I should be more like her," but when I let go of the world all around me and breathe into me as I am- I can love much more truly and completely when I can accept myself, I can accept the ones around me - and still be together enough as we are. and that the real part. all there is.
Why does it matter so much here? So much watching and feeling watched. trying too hard. Sometimes I go to the bathroom to look in the mirror just to make sure I'm still here. Get a grip my mind can take me so far away.
"There will always be more beautiful women- smarter women- more successful women. Always. So you must focus on what you are, not what you aren't.
I hold tightly to frightened hands. I make alot of mistakes. I tell my doubts. I laugh with my worries. I dance with little girls. I am frightened by truth sometimes- but I need it like my own blood.
I think God leaves me alone to let me find my own strength because no one else can give it to me for me. Sometimes it is very lonely- but I know the lonely times teach me the MOST. I must let go in order to let anything in. No one can love me for me. Take a big walk protected in the trees.
Knowing someone else's life is passing away makes me want to show up for living now- not 'then' when things are taken care of and the weather is warm. I have a chance to make a difference NOW. I have a chance to help heal some of my own broken places and hopefully someone elses. We must realize that what we do matters. Our love matters truly (that's why we are here.) Life is too short to be cruel, it is too short to suck-in, hold on, not forgive. We just don't have time.
We are not so different, only our circumstances are.
What I really want to say to myself is: it is alright. These anxious questions and doubts, answers and waiting, this is just as it is. Right now, taking me on my way- don't run. We all suffer. This is what I know to be true. There will be understanding sooner than you thinka nd later than you expected.
love it all. The fear, the excitement, the guilt, the power for chance, the unworthiness, the hurt feelings, the anger, the movement, the whole process, it's known as life. ¶ 12:28 AM
