Spilling Open - Sabrina Ward Harrison

If you're not yourself, who will be? Belong to yourself.

I have been feeling so blank and full of muted tones. I've been stuck in a muck.
Yesterday I got my haircut so short that when I went to school, Christopher said I looked like an english school boy. So that didn't help. My face feels wide and naked.
(...it just looked so good in the magazine.)

I catch myself trying to cover up the parts of myself that I don't accept. It's like a mask. I use my long black skirt to cover my legs that feel thick sometimes. I put make up on that attempts to look like. If I want to be accepted and loved as it is, without the 'extra attachments', why do I keep it up? It bewilders me.
Who do you wear a mask for today? I think masks say "approve me, accept me, love me."
So what am I without the masks? What am I from the inside out?
I had bad acne, I have scars.
I'm not slick at games involving balls, being thrown or kicked towards me.
I feel stumpy in sweat pants (especially ones with pockets)

So much of my growing up has been spent trying to figure out who I am and accept who I am and perhaps even love who I am. Unfortunately I have noticed that I spend a lot of time comparing myself to other young women my age, watching for traits they possess that I feel i lack. It's very exhausting. But i seem to keep comparing and desiring ('needing') more or wanting less. When do I stop and be the SABRINA the way I am? When do I top and believe that I am enough as I am? With all the parts of me that feel 'too small' or 'too lumpy' or 'too quiet'. Too too too too to.
I must ask myself "What am I trying to be that I already am?" If I don't love those parts of me, I think it will be a very sad journey. (and a pathetic waste of time)
If you're not yourself, who will be?

The truth is we all ache. We all have growing pains and wonder if we are okay and enough + loved. The thing is - we are. Really. We are enough without all the things we buy to make us much more than we are or need to be.

I learn and relearn that silence doesn't protect me. An unexpressed life is very painful to myself and those I love. Dont love halfway.
I am learning that loving all the way can ache and sting, but loving halfway doesn't keep me safe. It leaves me with sadness and a hope that could never live outloud.

Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like no one is watching. -Kathy Mattea

"I certainly do not hope to alter the world, perhaps I can put it best by saying I hope to alter my own vision of the world. I want to be more and more myself. as ridiculous as theat may sound." -Henry Miller

My friend Susan always reminds me that the ultimate goal is radical self-acceptance. Get into who you are. This is what inspired me so much about meeting the photographer- Elizabeth Sunday. She said, "I believe in my myself. I believe in my vision, my life, my talent, my art. More than anyone. No one can take that away from me."
I think when I can get to that place of self-acceptance and a sense of calm assurance in who I genuinely am- if I can believe in who I am, what I need, what I deserve, and what I must express. Then I can let go of the struggle of self-acceptance based on their approval of my beauty. Boobs, thighs, and sketchbooks. I will dare to do just what I want to do, be just what I am. and dance whenever I want to.

Loss and letting go of my ache. It can feel so dumb and pointless and so sad and real other times. I feel 1.shaky 2.red 3.worried 4.sore head 5.spinning eyes 6. sick with doubt 7. exhausted
I don't like how afraid my hands are to be empty.

I came home today from school venting very loudly in the car to myself. I feel so 'highly sensitive' and spun out and tired and hopeless and that feels scary! I feel tired of this drama with this boy at school. I want sincerity and I want brave loving I don't want to be making a logo or designing an annual report. I want to make books and take pictures and drink more tea. And lie on more couches and listen to Pablo Neruda poetry and read sark books and go to bed early and kiss more cheeks and play headsup7up when it rains and giggle more and drive less and dream of funny possibilities and brave endings.

A storm hit yesterday. The moon was so bright that it wouldn't let me sleep. The day has felt invisible like time couldn't make itself known. I want to twist away from this loneliness, there seems to be no place for it in this world around me. Where does everybody else put their sadness?

I get so mad at myself for 'caring so deeply' and maintaining all this stuff. and that feels so pathetic. I want to put my thinking in hibernation for a while.
Can't being just as I am be enough for me? I don't like doubting my 'me-ish-ness' because it's ALL i have. And I don't have time to keep searching to be someone else.
I want the wide hugs and the exclamations of delight.
When did I start doubting who I am? My friend Marguerite who is ten just can't comprehend not being herself. That's why she's so vibrantly alive and glorious.
Study to know yourself as you really are. I think we have a hard time making a commitment when we don't know who we are. So who am I? It seems to be easier to think of who I'm not.
I'm not Madonna or Superman.

I've been consumed with all this living up to something to 'be something'. Express something!
We have such a longing to be understood and loved by the other. Why? Can't it be just this now? Without armor and the shield. Just myself. My vulnerability protects me, not tight control. I hope to love with an open hand and a slow trusting stride.

There is a reason and there is a meaning You will know in ti me. But time itself will choose the moment. - Kent Nerburn

So when I just feel the loss and the sadness- I think,
why love if it hurts so much?
I try just a bit to soak in the goodness of feeling so deeply for another, the surrender, the joy, the tangled laughter in also in the pain felt.

Let yourself go.
I don't want to edit my living, my becoming who I am. It's like trying to fit into shoes that aren't mine. I've been feeling blocked and far too alone inside. All this holding back, clutching on.
All the silent thinking "Will he disappear?" "how long will it last?"
Maybe i'm such a romantic, wanting treasured moments.
I believe that loving fearlessly is the bravest thing in this world. It's not loving without fear. It's loving fearlessly, courageously [love truly] to be afraid and leap regardless. There is such power in that. I think that relates to all parts of living your life. I think what you felt unlived and unexpressed in love, hurts the most.

I wish to commit to grow younger, to let go of my fear as I learn about love . To allow all to be felt there is still so much newness and wonder to feel. Bless the not knowing. Telling my truth in love is like exposing the underside of my wings, we see that part only when we fly.

I thought alot today about limitless love. Most of the time I spend worrying about the people in my life who love me conditionally-with limits. Deciding when and how they will love me and how they will edit the love they will show me. The problem lies in how I then edit and limit the love I am showing and giving (for fear of not being loved in return) and that's not how I want to live in love.

OH this is what I need in love. Spinning in the sun and laughing, really really hard. I need desire and "AHHS" and I need to be told brave true words. I need myself. I need my voice. I need a partner who will giggle and cherish me to my bones. I need real, real genuine and I need strength I need loving gestures + lots of drawing on the floor. I need honest dinner time talking. I need to be met halfway I need to feel needed, surrender, feel understood. I need to not be mocked when I am being real. I need true kindness and love that glows brightly.

This weekend has felt so out of control. Lots of fears. Not good at loving. I'm not goodlooking. I'm not good at making stuff happen. I'm not good at articulating how I feel. ..not good at taking care of what I love. And with all these feelings come hopelessness. I feel like I'm drowning in feeling sorry for myself.

I want to stop sucking in, stop holding my breath, stop covering up. Let go. It isn't worth it. I can't think of one good reason to keep up the act of 'being moe than i need' If I can't love myself bare + freckled then 'he' certainly can't love me.
"I'm afraid to show you who I really am because if I show you who I really am, you might not like it - and that's all I've got."

Life is just too short to be so hard on ourselves.

"You are so young, you stand before beginnings. I would like to beg of you, dear friend, as well as I can to have patience with patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms. like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything... you need to live the question, perhaps you will gradually without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer some distant day." -Rainer Maria Rilke

I want to touch on all the sides of love- the hope, and gladness as well as the anxiety + ache. The biggest thing about love that I have discovered is that love is not just one way - there isn't just a point of perfection that makes it "all okay + great from now on". I am discovering that what I am needing to learn in love is gonna keep coming up Oh yes!
This morning I woke up from a very restless sleep with anxiety about replacement and I just exclaimed to myself "Haven't I learnt this yet? Haven't I learnt how to handle the feelings yet?" The answer is: Nope.

I am learning to write and speak of my true feelings for myself. That's how I can let go sooner of love fuller. It's a mixture of speaking up and speaking in. Reaching out and reaching in.

To experience being alive and being brought alive by another- something so beautiful and rare. It reminds me of that Henry Miller line... "I want to become more and more myself as ridiculous as that may sound." In love I become who I must understand.

I find myself comparing alot - thinking "OH I should be more like her," but when I let go of the world all around me and breathe into me as I am- I can love much more truly and completely when I can accept myself, I can accept the ones around me - and still be together enough as we are. and that the real part. all there is.

Why does it matter so much here? So much watching and feeling watched. trying too hard. Sometimes I go to the bathroom to look in the mirror just to make sure I'm still here. Get a grip my mind can take me so far away.

"There will always be more beautiful women- smarter women- more successful women. Always. So you must focus on what you are, not what you aren't.

I hold tightly to frightened hands. I make alot of mistakes. I tell my doubts. I laugh with my worries. I dance with little girls. I am frightened by truth sometimes- but I need it like my own blood.

I think God leaves me alone to let me find my own strength because no one else can give it to me for me. Sometimes it is very lonely- but I know the lonely times teach me the MOST. I must let go in order to let anything in. No one can love me for me. Take a big walk protected in the trees.

Knowing someone else's life is passing away makes me want to show up for living now- not 'then' when things are taken care of and the weather is warm. I have a chance to make a difference NOW. I have a chance to help heal some of my own broken places and hopefully someone elses. We must realize that what we do matters. Our love matters truly (that's why we are here.) Life is too short to be cruel, it is too short to suck-in, hold on, not forgive. We just don't have time.

We are not so different, only our circumstances are.

What I really want to say to myself is: it is alright. These anxious questions and doubts, answers and waiting, this is just as it is. Right now, taking me on my way- don't run. We all suffer. This is what I know to be true. There will be understanding sooner than you thinka nd later than you expected.

love it all. The fear, the excitement, the guilt, the power for chance, the unworthiness, the hurt feelings, the anger, the movement, the whole process, it's known as life.

Labels: book, self-help

  ¶ 12:28 AM 0 Comments

  Teen Beauty Secrets- Diane Irons

ATTITUDE
- Plan one thing that will help you improve physically, intellectually, emotionally, even spiritually.
- Be proud of who you are.
- Walking, eating, getting out of a chair, looks so much better when done in a way more deliberately.
- The way you sound & things you say- your voice has power. You can give your voice the same attitude you give to the rest of your body.
- At the end of the day, think of 3 things you did well.
- Nobody's perfect. Being the best you can be is more than enough.
- Learn to forgive yourself on a daily basis.

Labels: motivation, positivity, self-help

  ¶ 10:58 PM 0 Comments

  It's a BREAKUP not a BREAKDOWN - Lisa Steadman

Preface/Introduction
By the time all was said and done, I was a big fat screaming mess. I cried myself to sleep every night. Actually, I cried when I woke up in the morning, cried when I took a shower, cried on my way to work, cried in the bathroom at work, cried to my girlfriends on the phone, cried on the way home from work, cried on my couch at night, and then cried myself to sleep.
Today you may be feeling empowered and healthy about your breakup. Or you may be filled with doubt, despair, and confusion Don't worry, during your post-breakup recovery you'll most likely feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster. You'll go back and forth many times between the two extremes before you fully move on. Just ride it out, trust that you will get through this and become stronger for doing so. Your heart may feel like it's been shattered into a trillion tiny pieces, but it's still there. Still beating. It still loves you, and still believes in love. (Just need a little time to heal first.)

Breakup Rule #1.
You cannot sleep with your ex. I know how tempting it is to fall back into the arms of your ex. There's momentary comfort there.
Breaup Rule #2.
Avoid any contact with him at all, including calling, texting, emailing, checking his MySpace page, IM, driving by his house, showing up at his work, or leaving notes in his car. You cannot move on if you're still holding on.

EX ETTIQUETE
It's not possible to stay friends with an ex while still moving on. Because as hard as it is to accept, the relationship is over. It ended for a reason. Most who try to stay friends with their ex are just doing so in hopes of either rekindling or using the person as a crutch til someone better comes along.

Breakup Rule #3.
Do NOT save phone messages from your ex and replay them over and over again. That's self-destructive and will only hurt your ability to let go and move on.
There are plenty of available men who would love to call you. It's up to you to clear the way for them, and that means letting go of your ex, giving yourself time to heal, and then making space for someone new in your life.

And if you were hoping to keep tabs on your ex by tracking his every online move or possible new dating adventures via MySpace page? Don't. It'll just make you wonder who he's talking to (or obsess about those girls who keep posting messages to him), and you don't need that. Remove his page from your favourites and look for a new friend or two to take his place.


CHAP 2.
The Emotional Rollercoaster
There may be moments when you feel manic elation about your sudden freedom from a relationship that just wasn't working anymore. You may be prone to fits of laughter followed by a torrent of tears. Moments later, you might experience strong surges of panic, isolation, loneliness, and despair. Don't worry, you're not crazy, just post-breakup.

Why your ex isn't worth pining over
- He's not right for you.
- Someone else is out there, and you're free to look for him.
- You deserve to feel loved and wanted.
- He's probably not pining over you (harsh, but probably true)

Erase "If only" from your vocabulary.
It's only natural for us to look back on our relationship and wonder if there's anything we could have done differently.

Chap 3.
www.breakupchronicles.com
www.womensavers.com
www.breakupnews.com
www.dontdatehimgirl.com

Assess your Fabulous Factor
Write down 10 magnificent things about you. This is to remind you of your fabulous factor whenever you're in doubt.

And write down a list of things to do.

Chap 4.
If you still harbor feelings for your ex or you have moments when you miss him, you're perfectly normal.
Write down the things you're not gonna miss about. Eg. his mood swings? money problems? Take a good look and remember why it's good he's gone.

Reasons why you might not want to let go.
You still Love him
Plain and simple, you're still in love with your ex. The good news is you'll definitely find love again, with the right guy, your heart will be in good hands.

You're not sure it's really over
You tend to linger too long at the breakup scene. This only leads to more questions. The best thing to do is accept that not all your questions will be answered and move on anyway.

Worried no one else will come along
Pessimists tend to settle for less than they deserve because they haven't fully discovered their own magnificence. They gravitate toward relationships with people they think can help or make them happy. but the only person is actually yourself.

MOVING ON
- I will never give my heart to anyone who is undeserving of it.
- I will pay attention to relationship red flags as they are revealed to me and act accordingly.
- When I'm ready, I trust myself to exercise excellent judgment in selecting a suitable candidate to fall in love with (one who is capable of loving me on the same level!)
- I trust myself to date and be open to the possibilities.
- I am healthy and strong enough to endure dating disappointments along the way, and I will be able to differentiate those from the actual heartbreak.
- I will not let any baggage from the past affect my future relationships.
- I dedicate myself to wholeheartedly to living and loving my life as it is right now (fixing the things that no longer work and love my life even more)

Labels: bgr, book, self-help

  ¶ 6:58 PM 1 Comments

  Law of Attraction -Michael J. Losier

I attract to my life whatever I give my attention, energy and focus to, whether positive or negative.
1. You observe what you receive and have in your life (whether positive or negative)
2. While observing, you send a vibration, either positive or negative.
3. The Law of Attraction responds to the vibration you are sending.
4. As a result, you get more of what you were vibrating, whether positive or negative.

Whether it's a positive or negative vibration, the Law of Attraction will give you more of the same.
words -> thoughts (made up of words) -> feelings (positive/negative vibrations)

Words that are causing you to attract what you DON'T want:
Your unconscious and conscious mind automatically filters out the words don't, not, and no. When you use these words you are actually internalizing in your mind the exact thing you are being told not to. When you make a statement using the words don't, not or no, you are actually giving attention and energy to what you don't want. Each time you do that, ask yourself "So, what do I want?" When you ask yourself what you DO want, the answer will have created a new sentence with new words. When your words change, your vibration changes.

You can only send out one vibration at a time.
You can reset your vibration simply by changing your words, remembering that thoughts are made up of words.

www.LawofAttractionBook.com/worksheets.html

The 3 step formula for Deliberate Attraction
1. Identify your desire.
2. Give your desire Attention
Contrast, is anything you don't like, doesn't feel good, or causes you to be in negative mood. The moment you identify something in your life that feels like contrast and you spend time complaining about it, you offer a negative vibration.
Observing contrast is essential because it helps you to become clearer about what you do want.
3. Allow it

Complete your own Clarity through Contrast
Choose an area in your life you would like to change.
On side A list all the things that are troubling you about your situation.
On side B, ask yourself "So, what do I want?"
By doing this you have a better understanding of what you want (clarity of desire) by listing what you don't want (contrast).

Here's what we covered.
- Your words generate a vibration that is either positive or negative.
- When you use the words don't, not, and no, you continue to give more attention, energy and focus to what you are referring to. Instead ask "So what do I want?"
- Use contrast briefly knowing that the Law of Attraction is always responding to your vibration
- Use contrast to generate clarity
- When building your contrast list find as many contrast items as possible. The more contrast you identify, the more clarity you'll have.

Give your Desire Attention
Imagine you have a bubble that is surrounding you and captured within this bubble are all the vibrations you are sending out. The Law of Attraction is responding to whatever is inside your Vibrational Bubble.

Am I including it in my vibrational bubble?
- When I'm talking about what I desire
- When I'm noticing something I like
- When I'm daydreaming about my desire
- When I visualize my desire
- When I'm pretending I already have my desire
- When I say yes/no to something
- When I worry about something
- When I complain about something
- When I remember something positive/negative
- When I'm observing something positive/negative
- When I'm playing with the idea of my desire
- When I'm making a collage about my desire
- When I'm praying about my desire
- When I'm celebrating something I like

Why using affirmations may not raise your vibration
An affirmation is a statement spoken in the present tense used to declare a desire. Attraction responds to the vibrations you send out based on how you feel, not based on specific words you use. If you tell yourself you have a slender body when you do not, or when it feels unattainable, you create a negative vibration (doubt) which the Law of Attraction will respond by giving you more of the same, even though it's unwanted. So reword it.

Tool #1: Rewording your Affirmations to make them Feel Better
Say instead.
I'm in the process of...
- I'm in the process of creating ideal family relationships
- I'm in the process of enjoying my body more and more
- I'm in the process of becoming more abundant
- I'm in the process of growing my business
- I'm in the process of having ideal health
- I'm in the process of attracting an ideal mate

Now each statement is true for you! When its true you feel good. When it feels good you are sending a positive vibration which the Law of attraction responds by bringing you more of the same.

Tool #2: The Desire Statement Tool
The three elements to the Desire Statement:
- The opening sentence
- The body
- The closing sentence.

Desire statement-
OPENING SENTENCE:
I'm in the process of.. attracting all that I need to do, know, or have, to attract my ideal mate.

BODY:
I love knowing that my ideal ______________
I love how it feels when _________
I've decided __________
More and more _____________
It excites me _____________
I love the idea of _______
I'm excited at the thought of _________
I love seeing myself ___________

The above phrases allow you to talk about your desire and at the same time knowing it's true for you.

CLOSING SENTENCE:
The Law of Attraction is unfolding and orchestrating all that needs to happen to bring me to my desire.

How do I know I'm doing it right?
Do you hear a little negative or uncomfortable feeling? Does your desire make you feel great? If not, then revise your statement so that you feel better (raise your vibration) when you read it.

Step 3: Allowing It
It is simply the absence of negative vibration(doubt). Have a strong desire with no doubt means your desire will be manifested quickly.
The speed at which Law of Attraction manifests your desire is in direct proportion to how much you Allow.

What is a Limiting Belief?
It is a repetitive thought that you think over and over again. When your thoughts consist of a limiting belief you're offering/sending out a negative vibration that will prevent you from attracting your desire.
It is "I can't.. because.."

Two Ways to know You've Allowed
First you can tell by how you feel. When you remove a negative feeling of resistance, most people feel a sense of relief or hear themselves saying, "Ah this feels much better!"

Secondly you can notice when manifestation appears in your life. When evidence is showing up in your life, you know you are allowing.

Belief #1: I'd like to have a more slender body but I can't because my family members are big.
Q: Is there anyone on the planet who has a body size different from their family?
A: Yes
Q: IF so, how many people have been doing this today? Yesterday? Last week, month, year?
Allowing statement:
Thousands of people, even in my neighbourhood, have different body sizes than their family members. There are millions of men on the planet that have a more slender body than their father or brother.

More tools to help you Allow
1. Celebrate the Proof (evidence)
The best way to remove doubt is find proof.
Have you noticed when something you desire starts showing up in your life, even just a little bit, it excites you? All this is proof of the Law of Attraction at work in your life.

2. Record Proof of the Law of Attraction
Keeping a diary or a book will help you believe it more, get excited more, allow moe and trust more. Regardless of the size, record the proof and it will raise your vibration. Remember, it is the absence of doubt that will bring your desire faster.

3. Appreciation and Gratitude
When you take time to appreciate every day you intentionally offer strong, positive vibrations, including those in your Vibrational Bubble.
Remember, the Law of Attraction does not care whether you are remembering, pretending, playing, creating, complaining or worrying. It simply responds to what's in your bubble, so find proof and send out a positive vibration.

4. Use the expression, "I'm in the process of..."
When you concentrate on what you don't have, you offer a negative vibration, so instead, reword it.

5. Use the expression, "I've decided..."
Have you noticed that in most cases when you say "I've decided" it creates a strong positive emotion? Most people rarely use the word DECIDE, yet it is an excellent way to take your focus off of lack and put it back onto your desire.

Decide more often, you'll feel instant relief from the positive emotions that come with each act of deciding.

6. Use the expression, "Lots can happen..."
Using this Allowing phrase shifts your vibration from lack to abundance, or from a negative to a positive one.
From now on, the moment you notice a lack of results, focus on the possibility that "lots can happen."

7. Ask for Information
We have less resistance to accepting information and as a result information comes quickly because there is no negative vibration to stop it from coming.

8. Make yourself an Attraction Box
Keep an attraction box to collect things that represent your desire: cut out from magazines, brochures for trips you want to take, or even business cards of people you want to work with.

Each time you put something in, you offer 'vibrationally' is hope, and hope is positive vibration.

9. Create a Void or Vacuum
A void or vacuum is always waiting to be filled.

E.G. you're looking for more clients. By labelling some empty file folders with "next new client" it sets the intention that you want to attract new clients and also creates a void to be filled. Saying "I am waiting for new clients" can be rephrased as "I have room and space for new clients." Does it feel better? :)

Some voids can be created intentionally. E.G. enter on your calendar "New appointment goes here" now you create a void to attract those things, giving it more attention, energy and focus.
Other kind is unintentional. When a client cancels, don't complain and give it a negative attention. Instead, say "I've created a void to attract a new client!"
Now that's allowing!!

10. Allow the Law of Attraction to figure it out
When you catch yourself saying "I don't know, I can't"....
STOP! Say to yourself, I'm going to allow the law of attraction to figure it out. There comes a time when you need to take action.
As you let the law of attraction figure it out, and you start to receive things that are in alignment with your desire, you can then decide to take action.

Wrapping up
- Allowing is the absence of doubt
- The negative vibration of a doubt cancels the positive vibration of a desire
- Finding proof removes doubt

Relationships and your Vibration
The next time someone calls you and starts to talk about how negative their life is... you do not buy into that conversation which lowers your vibration to match theirs. Instead: ask them simply, "So, what do you want?"
As their vibrations rises it gets closer to matching yours, the more harmonious your vibrations become.

Labels: book, motivation, positivity, self-help

  ¶ 6:21 AM 0 Comments